I've had this song on repeat for the last few weeks. Literally repeat. I think I am on round 7 at the moment.
I thought I just liked it. The sweet sound, soothing, it just feels homey.
But it hit me today, this song completely expresses how i've been feeling the last little while.
As my time at BYU is quickly coming to a close, Jonathan and I have no idea what is coming next.
I mean, we hope we do.
Jonathan has submitted his physical therapy applications so now is just the waiting game. And now i'm submitting applications and we wait and wonder even more. We sit while our lives rest in the hands of anonymous application reviewers. It's scary. It's scary to think that we could move far away, or that we could move no where at all.
I get a little pit in my stomach if I think about it all too hard.
But then I listen to this song, and I remember why it will all be okay.
I truly will go wherever Jonathan will go. Cheesy or not.
And that thought brings me peace.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive
Last time I wrote it was 47 days until the marathon.
Now it is 8 days past the marathon.
Where has the time gone?!
Since I last wrote I finished teaching, went on a vacation to Vegas and California, celebrated my birthday, Jonathan's birthday, and our one year anniversary, started my master's program, and ran a marathon. Plus who knows what else!
Those all seem mighty blog worthy to me, and yet I find myself more content in just living those things opposed to writing about them. I think i'll regret that in a few months when the pain in my foot from the marathon goes away, so all I have to remember it by is the medal the size of my head (no joke.), and when it is our 5 year anniversary and I vaguely remember the awesome experience at the Blue Man Group.
So maybe i'll be better about blogging, but then again maybe I won't. We'll see.
But for now, here is the marathon update.
The month before the race my silly IT band injury crept up again. This time I was annoyed. I could hardly run over 2 miles without wanting to stop and curl into a ball, or chop my leg off, either one sounded fine. I kept wanting to run though, I knew this was a crucial time to build up my mileage before the race. So I had a constant mental battle over resting my leg, or running the miles on my training program. Most of the time resting my leg won out, thanks to Jonathan's physical therapy advice.
It was hard though. It made me not only physically weak in regards to running for that long, but mentally weak because I knew I hadn't been able to put forth the effort required.
I planned on running 2-20 milers and 1-22 mile run before the race, well I ended up doing one 18 miler and one 20 miler ON THE TREADMILL! Worst experience of my life. These 20 miles included jumping off the treadmill every mile to rest my leg. So let's just say I was not prepared. At least not as prepared as I wanted to be.
So race day came and I got to the top of the canyon where I waited 3 hours for the race to start. I was nervous, but just choosing not to think about it much.
I didn't meet one person running their first marathon with me. They were all on number 3, 32, or 61 or somewhere in between. That was intimidating but they all encouraged me by saying that their first marathon took them about 5 and a half hours and have now cut that time down an hour or two. It eased my mind knowing that slow was okay.
Although a part of me knew that slow was okay, it was not okay for me. I had in my mind to do this race in 4 hours, but I knew my body had not been trained for that. So those 3 hours of waiting were filled with talking myself into thinking that slow was okay, and finishing was the goal.
It sort of worked.
The gun went off and I ran faster than I thought I could, for longer than I thought I could.
I approached mile 19 feeling surprisingly good. My leg hurt of course, but that was nothing new. I finally saw my family around that time and it was just the extra boost I needed to keep going. I mean, I was almost at the end right?!
Little did I know, that "wall" people always talk about hitting, was very, very real. Around mile 20 my leg was killing. I mean, I could hardly limp along. I had to have Jonathan walk by my side so I could keep moving forward. My IT band was MAD! So for the next two miles I slowly limped along, watching my dream time slip long into the past. I wanted to finish, but not like that.
I got some pain medication at the water stop around mile 22 and once that kicked in I felt like I could at least saunter my way to the finish line. By no means fast, but by no means as slow as the last 2 miles had been.
I just wanted to be done. I was so close, but literally so far.
I saw the mile markers 23, 24, 25, 26, and I knew the last .2 miles were it. I put it all out there, forced my IT band to listen to me for once and ran as fast as I could. I could see my family, and the other spectators cheering and I ran to that finish line feeling like I had run the whole thing.
I felt accomplished.
I felt tired.
But I did it.
I was so scared during that last month of training that I wouldn't be able to finish the race. That I would be a few miles in and my leg would hurt too much to keep going. And I would have to get on the "wimp wagon" as Jonathan's boss so tenderly calls it...(aka the car that picks up people who can't keep running)
But that didn't happen!
The slow time didn't even phase me like I was nervous it would. Of course I would have liked faster, which is why I know another marathon will be in my future.
But for now I am happy.
I survived 26.2! Who knew putting yourself through something so physically hard, could make you feel so physically, mentally, and spiritually alive?! I got teary eyed multiple times along the route. Pain or no pain, I was doing something I set my mind to, and I did not let anything stop me.
And that is a feeling worth fighting for.
And I sure couldn't have done it without the amazing support of everyone that loves me! THANK YOU!!!
Now it is 8 days past the marathon.
Where has the time gone?!
Since I last wrote I finished teaching, went on a vacation to Vegas and California, celebrated my birthday, Jonathan's birthday, and our one year anniversary, started my master's program, and ran a marathon. Plus who knows what else!
Those all seem mighty blog worthy to me, and yet I find myself more content in just living those things opposed to writing about them. I think i'll regret that in a few months when the pain in my foot from the marathon goes away, so all I have to remember it by is the medal the size of my head (no joke.), and when it is our 5 year anniversary and I vaguely remember the awesome experience at the Blue Man Group.
So maybe i'll be better about blogging, but then again maybe I won't. We'll see.
But for now, here is the marathon update.
The month before the race my silly IT band injury crept up again. This time I was annoyed. I could hardly run over 2 miles without wanting to stop and curl into a ball, or chop my leg off, either one sounded fine. I kept wanting to run though, I knew this was a crucial time to build up my mileage before the race. So I had a constant mental battle over resting my leg, or running the miles on my training program. Most of the time resting my leg won out, thanks to Jonathan's physical therapy advice.
It was hard though. It made me not only physically weak in regards to running for that long, but mentally weak because I knew I hadn't been able to put forth the effort required.
I planned on running 2-20 milers and 1-22 mile run before the race, well I ended up doing one 18 miler and one 20 miler ON THE TREADMILL! Worst experience of my life. These 20 miles included jumping off the treadmill every mile to rest my leg. So let's just say I was not prepared. At least not as prepared as I wanted to be.
So race day came and I got to the top of the canyon where I waited 3 hours for the race to start. I was nervous, but just choosing not to think about it much.
I didn't meet one person running their first marathon with me. They were all on number 3, 32, or 61 or somewhere in between. That was intimidating but they all encouraged me by saying that their first marathon took them about 5 and a half hours and have now cut that time down an hour or two. It eased my mind knowing that slow was okay.
Although a part of me knew that slow was okay, it was not okay for me. I had in my mind to do this race in 4 hours, but I knew my body had not been trained for that. So those 3 hours of waiting were filled with talking myself into thinking that slow was okay, and finishing was the goal.
It sort of worked.
The gun went off and I ran faster than I thought I could, for longer than I thought I could.
I approached mile 19 feeling surprisingly good. My leg hurt of course, but that was nothing new. I finally saw my family around that time and it was just the extra boost I needed to keep going. I mean, I was almost at the end right?!
Little did I know, that "wall" people always talk about hitting, was very, very real. Around mile 20 my leg was killing. I mean, I could hardly limp along. I had to have Jonathan walk by my side so I could keep moving forward. My IT band was MAD! So for the next two miles I slowly limped along, watching my dream time slip long into the past. I wanted to finish, but not like that.
I got some pain medication at the water stop around mile 22 and once that kicked in I felt like I could at least saunter my way to the finish line. By no means fast, but by no means as slow as the last 2 miles had been.
I just wanted to be done. I was so close, but literally so far.
I saw the mile markers 23, 24, 25, 26, and I knew the last .2 miles were it. I put it all out there, forced my IT band to listen to me for once and ran as fast as I could. I could see my family, and the other spectators cheering and I ran to that finish line feeling like I had run the whole thing.
I felt accomplished.
I felt tired.
But I did it.
I was so scared during that last month of training that I wouldn't be able to finish the race. That I would be a few miles in and my leg would hurt too much to keep going. And I would have to get on the "wimp wagon" as Jonathan's boss so tenderly calls it...(aka the car that picks up people who can't keep running)
But that didn't happen!
The slow time didn't even phase me like I was nervous it would. Of course I would have liked faster, which is why I know another marathon will be in my future.
But for now I am happy.
I survived 26.2! Who knew putting yourself through something so physically hard, could make you feel so physically, mentally, and spiritually alive?! I got teary eyed multiple times along the route. Pain or no pain, I was doing something I set my mind to, and I did not let anything stop me.
And that is a feeling worth fighting for.
And I sure couldn't have done it without the amazing support of everyone that loves me! THANK YOU!!!
Sunday, July 28, 2013
I Want to Ride My Bicycle
47 days until the marathon. Yikes.
My mind finally seems to be on board. I don't have this complete mental fight with myself as I debate whether to run or not. My mind seems to have given in, probably due to the fact that September 14th is rapidly approaching.
My body on the other hand seems to be fighting me...one run my knee hurts, then my other knee hurts, then both my knees hurt, then my back hurts...yada yada yada.
I just hurt. All the time.
Am I not built for running?
I ask myself that probably every day now.
I feel like I am fighting all the forces of nature every time I slip on those running shoes. Like the earth is telling me to STOP IT because I just wasn't created for such a thing.
But I want to be arunner saunterer. Is that not enough??
I'm not so sure it is.
So now I have a new obsession that is arising.
(I can see Jonathan shaking is head right now as he reads this)
Just like the marathon, and the juicing, when I want to do something- I will do it!
The only thing stopping me from this obsession is large amounts of money.
But one day it will happen, and I will be happy.
Because if I can't be a saunterer- then there is only one thing I can be.
A biker.
Yep, you read that right. I want to be a biker.
Post marathon, and post spending $1,000 on Jonathans PT applications.
We (yes you also read that right, because Jonathan actually likes biking) are going to become bikers.
And we will live happily, knee ache free, poor ever after.
So my next goal.
A century ride.
Me, a bike, 100 miles, and a very, very sore bum.
My mind finally seems to be on board. I don't have this complete mental fight with myself as I debate whether to run or not. My mind seems to have given in, probably due to the fact that September 14th is rapidly approaching.
My body on the other hand seems to be fighting me...one run my knee hurts, then my other knee hurts, then both my knees hurt, then my back hurts...yada yada yada.
I just hurt. All the time.
Am I not built for running?
I ask myself that probably every day now.
I feel like I am fighting all the forces of nature every time I slip on those running shoes. Like the earth is telling me to STOP IT because I just wasn't created for such a thing.
But I want to be a
I'm not so sure it is.
So now I have a new obsession that is arising.
(I can see Jonathan shaking is head right now as he reads this)
Just like the marathon, and the juicing, when I want to do something- I will do it!
The only thing stopping me from this obsession is large amounts of money.
But one day it will happen, and I will be happy.
Because if I can't be a saunterer- then there is only one thing I can be.
A biker.
Yep, you read that right. I want to be a biker.
Post marathon, and post spending $1,000 on Jonathans PT applications.
We (yes you also read that right, because Jonathan actually likes biking) are going to become bikers.
And we will live happily, knee ache free, poor ever after.
So my next goal.
A century ride.
Me, a bike, 100 miles, and a very, very sore bum.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Run em like, run em, run em WOOP
There is one thing I hate to hear...
"I saw you running today."
That one simple sentence sends a rush of red to my face because I know the conversation that will follow.
Me: Oh yeah, I was probably walking right? (Because I know that if I run 10 miles and walk maybe .5 of it, that is when EVERYONE will see me. Everyone. It's just a fact of life for some reason)
Them: Yeah, but you looked like you'd been working hard
Me: Yeah...I sweat a lot.
Them: So, are you a runner?
Oh the dreaded question..."Are you a runner?"
This is what causes the rush of red.
Because I don't know what I am.
At no point during my "run" am I really "running".
I'm slow. Like reallll slow.
So no, I am not a runner.
If anything I am a jogger?
But I actually have come to think of myself as something else.
A saunter-er.
I decided I am a sunterer when I stopped to walk today, as I often do, and my walk put my pace slower than the Golden Girls walking in front of me. No joke, they were OLD. And they were going faster than me.
So from now on, when I get the question: are you a runner?
I will say, "No, in fact I am a saunterer.
Nike obviously doesn't know any saunterers...
"I saw you running today."
That one simple sentence sends a rush of red to my face because I know the conversation that will follow.
Me: Oh yeah, I was probably walking right? (Because I know that if I run 10 miles and walk maybe .5 of it, that is when EVERYONE will see me. Everyone. It's just a fact of life for some reason)
Them: Yeah, but you looked like you'd been working hard
Me: Yeah...I sweat a lot.
Them: So, are you a runner?
Oh the dreaded question..."Are you a runner?"
This is what causes the rush of red.
Because I don't know what I am.
At no point during my "run" am I really "running".
I'm slow. Like reallll slow.
So no, I am not a runner.
If anything I am a jogger?
But I actually have come to think of myself as something else.
saun·ter
/ˈsôntər/
Verb
|
A saunter-er.
I decided I am a sunterer when I stopped to walk today, as I often do, and my walk put my pace slower than the Golden Girls walking in front of me. No joke, they were OLD. And they were going faster than me.
So from now on, when I get the question: are you a runner?
I will say, "No, in fact I am a saunterer.
Nike obviously doesn't know any saunterers...
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Am I the Only One?
How come it is so hard to be nice to yourself?
I taught a lesson about that in relief society today.
At one point, practically everyone was crying.
Me included.
Looks like i'm not the only one that struggles with it...
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Thank You
Jonathan deserves the shout out of all shout outs.
In my usual procrastination method...I pushed my 7 mile run off all day yesterday. Literally ALL DAY.
It was approaching 11 pm and I was sure I had managed to skip another run.
I always make myself feel guilty about it, and I get all mad at myself, but somehow that guilt and anger doesn't motivate me to just get it done...it just produces this cycle of unhappiness.
But Jonathan, in his kind heart, said he would bike with me as I ran so I wasn't out alone at dark and wasn't forced to use the tredmill. And that my friends is a huge sacrifice. I run slow. And I mean sloooow. So biking from 11-midnight, at a snails pace, next to a panting, drenched in sweat girl sounds awful to me. But he was more than happy to do it.
Not just that, he provided an hours worth of encouragement that got me to run it faster than I ever could have without him.
What a guy. So selfless he is.
So selfless he agreed to wake up the next morning (after going to bed late because of the run/bike) to drive me 14 miles away from our house so that I could run home. I don't quite have the mental strength to run that far unless I am actually that far from home. So the sweet boy woke up early and drove me all that way.
This marathon training is all coming together because of him.
I would have quit by now i'm just sure of it.
In case I haven't said it enough, THANK YOU JONATHAN!
It's really nice to know you have a support system behind you. It has made all the difference in my life thus far, and becomes all the more evident when you are at the last of your rope, and you want to quit, and you look back and see your sweet husband riding a bike in the pitch black night behind you, just because he loves you.
Not because he wants me to run faster, or be anything different, just because he knows that is exactly where I need him to be.
In my usual procrastination method...I pushed my 7 mile run off all day yesterday. Literally ALL DAY.
It was approaching 11 pm and I was sure I had managed to skip another run.
I always make myself feel guilty about it, and I get all mad at myself, but somehow that guilt and anger doesn't motivate me to just get it done...it just produces this cycle of unhappiness.
But Jonathan, in his kind heart, said he would bike with me as I ran so I wasn't out alone at dark and wasn't forced to use the tredmill. And that my friends is a huge sacrifice. I run slow. And I mean sloooow. So biking from 11-midnight, at a snails pace, next to a panting, drenched in sweat girl sounds awful to me. But he was more than happy to do it.
Not just that, he provided an hours worth of encouragement that got me to run it faster than I ever could have without him.
What a guy. So selfless he is.
So selfless he agreed to wake up the next morning (after going to bed late because of the run/bike) to drive me 14 miles away from our house so that I could run home. I don't quite have the mental strength to run that far unless I am actually that far from home. So the sweet boy woke up early and drove me all that way.
This marathon training is all coming together because of him.
I would have quit by now i'm just sure of it.
In case I haven't said it enough, THANK YOU JONATHAN!
It's really nice to know you have a support system behind you. It has made all the difference in my life thus far, and becomes all the more evident when you are at the last of your rope, and you want to quit, and you look back and see your sweet husband riding a bike in the pitch black night behind you, just because he loves you.
Not because he wants me to run faster, or be anything different, just because he knows that is exactly where I need him to be.
Monday, July 1, 2013
The best is yet to come
I decided two more things I want to do in my lifetime.
Other than traveling, teaching, family, etc.
1. I want to create a documentary. Not necessarily produce it, but create it with my own research or study, and oversee the production. I really love documentaries, so why not make my own?
2. Live off of food from the farmers market. That requires me to live in a place with a regular farmers market, first of all. But I just love the idea of fresh, organic, practically home grown food. Plus I love walking around farmer's markets. I could do that all day. And just my luck, Jonathan likes them as well!
Just putting them in writing so I don't forget!
Other than traveling, teaching, family, etc.
1. I want to create a documentary. Not necessarily produce it, but create it with my own research or study, and oversee the production. I really love documentaries, so why not make my own?
2. Live off of food from the farmers market. That requires me to live in a place with a regular farmers market, first of all. But I just love the idea of fresh, organic, practically home grown food. Plus I love walking around farmer's markets. I could do that all day. And just my luck, Jonathan likes them as well!
Just putting them in writing so I don't forget!
And to remind myself that there's no time better than the present to do all these things I want to do!
And quit living like the best is yet to come.
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