Out of the doubt that fills my mind

My semester, and brain for that matter, seems consumed with preparations for Uganda. Literature reviews, proposal writing, article reading, medical training, panicking, the list goes on.


With all these preparations one would think that my excitement level and prepared feelings would heighten as the semester goes on. Well of course that would be the logical assumption. But what I really find is that my feelings of inadequacy and fear heighten.


I was watching Hook the other day (of course I was) and the last line sort of hit me. K not sort of, it really hit me.


Granny Wendy: So... your adventures are over. 
Peter Banning: Oh, no. To live... to live would be an awfully big adventure.


I think I have had this feeling lately. I went to Thailand, I had an adventure. And now my adventures are over. OR, why would I miss out on Uganda? That's the only way to have another adventure? Peter's response rings true to me though. I have had an adventure, but life itself is the adventure. Whether I am going to school in Provo, riding an elephant in Thailand, or working my tail off in Uganda, it is an adventure if I choose to make it one.


I've been looking at my Thailand journal lately. I thought it might help me with some decisions I find myself making these days. I was not planning on it helping me increase my desire to go to Uganda, but the strength of my own words right on the cusp of my Thailand adventure have rejuvenated my excitement for Uganda...for the most part.


Here is a little bit from my first day back in America, written around 4:00am when I could not sleep due to the time change.
"Thailand feels like a distant dream. A good dream though, a life changing, never wanna wake up from it kind of dream. I prayed every night thanking my Heavenly Father for the chance to be there...


I learned that I can do hard things, but I also learned that I can not do hard things alone. Without the opportunity to skype home and hang out with my Thailand crew I never would have made it. Ever. It shows me that the happiness in life is directly influenced by the people you spend it with. I am blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Oh, I'm so blessed!


I learned I am brave.


I learned I can stand alone, without the cover of my comfort groups around me.


I learned that the world is an amazing place. And I am on this earth to experience it.


I learned that I need to remember the experiences I have had and go up. If I come home from a life changing experience like that and fall back into all the same patterns as before then i simply didn't learn my lesson. I need to make changes. Life is an evolution, it is just up to me whether it evolves forwards or backwards. 


Thailand was a beautiful, challenging, enlightening, exhausting, exciting, hard, adventure. I laughed, and I cried...a lot... I hope i left some sort of mark on Thailand because I sure know it left a mark on me. I hope to never be the same as  I was pre-Thailand."




I still have my doubts about Uganda at times. And those doubts are,putting it lightly, FREAKING ME OUT! People that know me know that I make a decision, make it happen, and remain confident in it. I don't know what my hesitation is, or when it will go away. If it is even planning on going away... My brain knows I can do this, but something deep down inside is not so convinced...