Hold My Hand (part 4)

Skip the add and venture on to our song :) I'll give homeboy all the credit for this one. I figure you can listen to it while you continue to read the drawn out story of us.



"Have you ever thought of us getting married?"
"I'm a girl, of course I have..."

Let me back up and preface this conversation a little bit.

Every day in California was perfect. We were able to tour San Francisco which I had never been to before. I loved every second of it! I went to the beach, ate Karen's (homeboys Mom) amazing homemade meals, got to know his family, met his ward and friends, saw the Oakland Temple, saw the Redwood forest, and answerd a million "name three things you learned about fill in the blank here" questions from his dad. (His whole family will know exactly what i'm referring to, and I swear to this day all those questions sealed the deal that I wanted to be a part of that family forever-no joke).

The Sunday we spent in California we went to his ward where I got to meet their hilariously amazing friend Loke. Let's just say she was quite a catalyst to the marriage talk (Jonathan can feel free to thank her for it for all eternity). After Sacrament she pulled out her snacks from her bag, knowing full well that we were not going to go to Sunday school or Relief Society, and began her interrogation. I loved it, she talked like we were getting married, even to the extent of telling him that he should feel free not to come home ever again if he doesn't bring me along. I could tell homeboy didn't quite know how to handle her marriage comments. We had never talked about it before and it was pretty obvious that he was uncomfortable- I thought it was funny to watch him squirm. I know it was his squirming that prompted the conversation later that night- thank you Loke, from the bottom of my heart, I'm glad at least someone was brave ;)!

His question caught me off guard that night. Being a girl, the second anyone hears you are dating someone they are all over the marriage question. So of course I had actually thought about it, and probably confessed the possibility of marrying him to a person or two. But no way in this world had I confessed it to him! After talking for a bit we both concluded that the possibility was real, we definitely wouldn't mind it, but it was too soon to tell. On that note we dropped the subject for a week or two.

We got back from California and knew my pending trip to Uganda this summer was rapidly approaching. Realizing that I was falling in love, while knowing that I was committed to a summer abroad, my brain was all over the place. Everyone was asking me if I was going to back out of Uganda, they have no idea how tempting it was. I really do feel like I am leaving a huge part of me behind, and lets be honest, I am leaving a huge part of me here, but I'll be back. I had to keep telling myself that I needed to make the decision on my own, but now this decision involved someone else which was definitely throwing a kink in the plans.

If i've learned anything, it is that plans change. I may have been too stubborn to let my Uganda plan change though. After weeks of emotional turmoil about what to do, Uganda/no Uganda? Marriage/no marriage? If marriage, Aug or Dec? The decisions seemed to be endless and I seemed to be making them alone. I knew where Jonathan stood on the whole thing, he made that very clear. At least one of us can make decisions! But he left my side of the decisions clearly up to me.

Prayer, fasting, talking, crying-rinse and repeat. That seemed to be the theme of my weeks. I knew I loved him, I knew I wanted to marry him, I knew I was really involved with Uganda- and yet, I confused myself into thinking that I knew absolutely nothing.

Once Jonathan told me that he wanted to get married in August, I put him through the worst few days while I tried to sort out my mind. Luckily he was patient enough for all the fog to clear, until I let reality hit that i've known my answer all along. I knew I loved him, I knew I wanted to marry him, and I knew I was really involved with Uganda. I just needed to figure out that I knew it- all on my own.

When that realization hit, and the peace flooded into my body, I have never wanted to tell someone something as bad as in that moment. I would have yelled it from across Provo that I KNOW I WANT TO MARRY YOU, if I knew he would hear me. But I kept it in until the second I saw him. The emotional roller coaster I had sent him on that week was hopefully worth the news at the end.

From that second on it became game time, like plan-wedding-in-turbo-mode kinda game time. No joke, the next weekend we found my wedding ring, and my wedding dress, getting engaged was irrelevant at that moment- we knew that we had a very limited time together before I leave for the summer and return 11 days before the wedding.

I guess the order of things is irrelevant when love is the name of the game. I'm okay with that. We do love in our own kind of way.