Not Ready to Make Nice

2 weeks home from Thailand

whirlwind might be the only thing to describe this time at home.

in these two weeks i've had to reintroduce myself to america, to my high school guy friends, and now back to provo and my college life.

i think i am bad at being home. i find it really hard to bring the person i have become since high school, plus the person i became in Thailand and mesh it all into my current life. i can't figure out why it's being so hard for me.

i hear jet lag takes one day per hour time difference to get over. that would give me thirteen days. meaning my jet lag excuse ran out yesterday...bummer.

so now my only excuse is that i'm trying really hard to figure this out. not much of an excuse i know, but it's the best i can do.

i'm super frustrated that i can't fit myself anywhere anymore. i am too overwhelmed to meet people at school, i don't feel like i fit in with my old high school life, and....well, that's about all i've got.

where does this leave me? quiet, removed, and closed off. am i really that person though?

NO!

that is what is so frustrating.

since coming to college i've become a whole different person, more life of the party than fly on the wall type of person. where did that person go? i loved who i was in thailand. where did that person go too?

is it weird that i was only gone 4 months, and have now been home 2 weeks but STILL can't get myself together?? i seriously don't know what happened. but it's no fun. and who knows, maybe it's normal. i mean, when i get back with thailand people i fall right back into that person. i just need to figure out how to make that permanent...

i can't keep trying to fit into the role i filled before college and before thailand. because simply put, i'm not that person anymore. i don't even want to fit into that role. why make myself go three years backwards when i've tried so hard to move to where i am now?

sad thing is, i realize that. i just don't really know how to execute it...

i'm a different person, i guess it's only fitting that i have to figure out where i fit in the whole scheme of things again. i just wanna be done with it though. is there a time limit for this kind of stuff too?? cause i don't think i can handle it much longer... it's lonely and frustrating and such a waste of time. maybe i just need to work harder at it or something. eh i don't know, hopefully i'll just figure it out soon, whatever IT is!